Wednesday, December 27, 2006
Runner Types
1) The Glutton
One for whom the term "junk miles" has a more narcotic than qualitative meaning. Time is measured in tens of miles, or shoes, as in, "I haven't worn anything other than Nike Air Heads in eight pairs of shoes!" or "I try to change the oil in my car once every pair of shoes."
2) The Hobbyist
Doesn't quite understand why some folks will run if it's not really nice outside. Also balks at spending more than $65 on shoes. Has time for things like family and hobbies and friends who aren't runners. Can talk about things other than running. Measures time in days, weeks, months, and years, not marathons or miles.
3) The Therapist
Has one answer to everyone's problems. "Have you tried running marathons? They'd be great for your [insert ailment here: marriage, job woes, sore tooth, bad haircut, etc.]."
4) The Personal Space? What Personal Space?
Attempts to walk a mile in your shoes while you're wearing them. Can be identified by unique breathing pattern, most often Darth Vader-like, that appears shortly after the start of the run, right above your shoulder.
5) The Won't Shut Up
Loveable and brilliant fellow who enlightens all with his insights and questions into the nature of things, like knee pain, latin roots, someone else's businesses, cars and how awesome they are, and who just farted, because it wasn't him.
6) The 66%er
Starts a run with a particular pace group and helpfully identifies the point at which the run is approximately two-thirds done by disappearing. Usually doesn't join in conversation, 'cause he's working too hard at maintaining the pace to force out any words, and prefers falling back and hiding behind a tree to notifying the other runners that he's going to go a bit slower. Will never ever start out a run at sustainable pace. Will always finish by walking.
7) The Dumper
Knows the exact location of park restrooms, gas stations, schools and community centers that are open in the evening and on Saturday mornings, Starbucks, construction sites with unlocked port-a-potties, along every route.
8) The I Hate Running
Identified by grunts, dragging of feet, and always showing up. Not to be confused with the "I Love Running" whom you meet at the office or in a bar who doesn't show up when invited to a 6.30 am run.
9) The Let's Do Another Set!
Instead of laughing like everyone else when someone says "fartlek," this runner gets all excited and starts going "whee!"
10) The Runner Who Actually Stretches
Often greets other runners with his or her butt, owing to the fact that The Runner Who Actually Stretches shows up on time for group runs and spends that extra time touching his or her toes, and always finishes before everyone else and immediately starts stretching again.
11) The Yogi
Somehow doesn't look like Frankenstein's monster while doing anything other than the corpse pose, as do all the other yokel runners who followed him or her into the yoga class for the first and last time. Can exhibit behavior similar to The Therapist and The Runner Who Actually Stretches.
12) The Naturalist
Like The Dumper, but sees little need for his detailed knowledge of societally-sanctioned areas of relief.
13) The Toenail Tea Drinker
Adheres to a very strict diet of strange foods that are absolutely indispensible to the training regimen. Take care when inquiring about this training regimen, 'cause the Toenail Tea Drinker will tell you, and in no small detail.
14) The Walking Billboard for Glide
Identified by their uniform, a white shirt seemingly adorned by one or two red carnations worn directly over the nipple. Sometimes mistaken for victims of gunshot wounds.
15) The God I'm Still Drunkard
The very nice person you talk with at the starting line who expects to run with you and finish well behind you, owing mostly to the debauchery or late-night diaper-changing of the previous evening, and then beats your time that day and your long-standing PR by some unimaginable differential and then has the audacity to seek out your haggard self at the finish and congratulate you for your strong race.
16) The Flatfoot
Instead of running heel-toe, heel-toe, this runner attempts to disperse the shock of impact evenly across the foot and the rest of the neighborhood by planting the entire foot down at once, hard; can be heard for miles. For fun, try attracting one by mimicking its mating call: Simply obtain a couple of foot-long pieces of 2x4 or two ping-pong paddles and bang them together. Sound can also be imitated by dropping a sheet of plywood on the ground or the bed of a truck.
17) The Newly Single Guy
Begins running in an effort to start a new life after the divorce or breakup, to get himself in better shape, and meet young women. Often gets in shape, more often finds a great deal of competition for the attentions of available young women from his every other guy in the world who started running for the very same reasons. Ends up having lots of fun chasing these women with his demographic peers.
18) The Newly Single Girl
Most often easier to follow the gaze of The Newly Single Guy than attempt a fitting description of this particular type.
19) The I'll Teach You To Pass Me
Will do anything to pass you and get maybe ten or twenty paces ahead, then slows down to your exact pace, then keeps slowing down until you pass him again. Repeats for the duration. Will not acknowledge any friendly conversation. To him, this is war.
20) The I Forgot My Inhaler
For whom every missed PR is attributable to some very specific atmospheric or situational singularity.
21) The World Champion Of The Workout
Identifiable by his or her inability to do anything other than sub-6.00 miles, or whatever it takes to beat everyone else, as you near the finish of the workout. Sometimes seen chatting, guardedly, with I Forgot My Inhaler and No Points For Second Best. Not to be confused with Smells The Barn.
22) The Smells The Barn
Often quite friendly and oblivious to how he or she pushes the pace toward the end of the run. Sometimes says things like "Gosh it's windy!" without realizing that there is no wind at all, but that it can certainly feel windy when you're running at the speed of sound through unmoving air. Also doesn't realize that wind is being sucked by everyone else who until the previous mile had been yammering on like they usually do.
23) The I'll Teach You Not To Pass Me
Identifiable by noxious fumes, silly noises and a steadfast determination to pretend that nothing happened. Sometimes displays behavior similar to The Dumper.
24) The Creepy Guy
More a meta-type than a single type, as he occurs in many separately identifiable sub-types, including I Can Barely Stand How Amazing I Am, Says Really Inappropriate Things, and If You Talk To Me You'll Regret It. Rarely meets women's eyes yet always manages to meet their sports bras. Shows up more often in warmer weather for this reason. Often used to be a very competitive runner; may invite you to look up his college times.
25) The Genuinely Likes People
Invites people over for brunch, organizes social outings, doesn't grumble and bitch like so many runners love to do. Somehow isn't put off by the single-mindedness and self-absorption of other runners.
26) The I'm Freezing You Jerk Now Let's Go
Generally asked only once why he or she chooses to wear long sleeves in summer and all the clothes in the world during the winter. Sometimes difficult to understand, especially in winter, through the half-dozen layers of fabric worn over the fact. Can be very funny to watch this type try to tie her shoes between October and March.
27) The Where I'm Going, I Don't Need Tights
Will never acknowledge being cold. Important to keep the number of an ambulance handy when this type is around, because if he ever does get cold enough to admit it, you've got about two and half minutes before the coma sets in.
28) The Six Million Dollar Runner
After knowing this person for a while you learn that she somehow survived eight stress fractures, two dislocated joints, hip replacement, three car crashes, frostbite, sunstroke, dehydration bad enough to dry out her inner ear, a bike accident, and eight years of physical therapy, is ten years older than you, and is still running faster.
29) The All I Need Is One More Neoprene Thing
Easy to spot but sometimes difficult to personally identify due to the sheaths, bands, supports, and wraps covering every joint and weak point between the bottom of the ribcage and the tip of the toe.
30) The Seven Million Dollar Runner
Most easily identifiable in early morning or late night, as this type is most often preceded by a spotlight clipped to the forehead that thoroughly illuminates a half-mile-square area before the runner. This runner singlehandedly accounted for roughly $1200 in receipts during his first visit to the local running shop. Tempting to ridicule this type, but remember, if nothing else, they sustain the stores that everyone else visits only when they have a 30% off coupon.
31) The Connection
The person you keep in mind because she always carries ibuprofin, Tylenol, aspirin, a cell phone, salt tablets, a map, dog treats, extra gu, extra water, or a quarter for the phone.
32) The Galloway Gaggle
Difficult to identify individually, this type appears to travel in groups of ten thousand or more. It stops unpredictably and en masse, managing to cover an entire path, sidewalk, on-ramp, race course, soccer field, runway, or whatever else you're trying to cross, and often at the suggestion of a whistle or a beeping watch. Like the Seven Million Dollar Runner, it can be tempting to ridicule this type, but remember, if nothing else, they sustain the stores that everyone else visits only when they have a 30% off coupon.
33) The Beer Gut Hides A Sex Machine
The guy with a gut who routinely kicks your butt at local races.
34) The Elite Hottie
Professional racer that someone, often a lifetime member of The Newly Single Guy classification, claims to have met once and flirted with.
One for whom the term "junk miles" has a more narcotic than qualitative meaning. Time is measured in tens of miles, or shoes, as in, "I haven't worn anything other than Nike Air Heads in eight pairs of shoes!" or "I try to change the oil in my car once every pair of shoes."
2) The Hobbyist
Doesn't quite understand why some folks will run if it's not really nice outside. Also balks at spending more than $65 on shoes. Has time for things like family and hobbies and friends who aren't runners. Can talk about things other than running. Measures time in days, weeks, months, and years, not marathons or miles.
3) The Therapist
Has one answer to everyone's problems. "Have you tried running marathons? They'd be great for your [insert ailment here: marriage, job woes, sore tooth, bad haircut, etc.]."
4) The Personal Space? What Personal Space?
Attempts to walk a mile in your shoes while you're wearing them. Can be identified by unique breathing pattern, most often Darth Vader-like, that appears shortly after the start of the run, right above your shoulder.
5) The Won't Shut Up
Loveable and brilliant fellow who enlightens all with his insights and questions into the nature of things, like knee pain, latin roots, someone else's businesses, cars and how awesome they are, and who just farted, because it wasn't him.
6) The 66%er
Starts a run with a particular pace group and helpfully identifies the point at which the run is approximately two-thirds done by disappearing. Usually doesn't join in conversation, 'cause he's working too hard at maintaining the pace to force out any words, and prefers falling back and hiding behind a tree to notifying the other runners that he's going to go a bit slower. Will never ever start out a run at sustainable pace. Will always finish by walking.
7) The Dumper
Knows the exact location of park restrooms, gas stations, schools and community centers that are open in the evening and on Saturday mornings, Starbucks, construction sites with unlocked port-a-potties, along every route.
8) The I Hate Running
Identified by grunts, dragging of feet, and always showing up. Not to be confused with the "I Love Running" whom you meet at the office or in a bar who doesn't show up when invited to a 6.30 am run.
9) The Let's Do Another Set!
Instead of laughing like everyone else when someone says "fartlek," this runner gets all excited and starts going "whee!"
10) The Runner Who Actually Stretches
Often greets other runners with his or her butt, owing to the fact that The Runner Who Actually Stretches shows up on time for group runs and spends that extra time touching his or her toes, and always finishes before everyone else and immediately starts stretching again.
11) The Yogi
Somehow doesn't look like Frankenstein's monster while doing anything other than the corpse pose, as do all the other yokel runners who followed him or her into the yoga class for the first and last time. Can exhibit behavior similar to The Therapist and The Runner Who Actually Stretches.
12) The Naturalist
Like The Dumper, but sees little need for his detailed knowledge of societally-sanctioned areas of relief.
13) The Toenail Tea Drinker
Adheres to a very strict diet of strange foods that are absolutely indispensible to the training regimen. Take care when inquiring about this training regimen, 'cause the Toenail Tea Drinker will tell you, and in no small detail.
14) The Walking Billboard for Glide
Identified by their uniform, a white shirt seemingly adorned by one or two red carnations worn directly over the nipple. Sometimes mistaken for victims of gunshot wounds.
15) The God I'm Still Drunkard
The very nice person you talk with at the starting line who expects to run with you and finish well behind you, owing mostly to the debauchery or late-night diaper-changing of the previous evening, and then beats your time that day and your long-standing PR by some unimaginable differential and then has the audacity to seek out your haggard self at the finish and congratulate you for your strong race.
16) The Flatfoot
Instead of running heel-toe, heel-toe, this runner attempts to disperse the shock of impact evenly across the foot and the rest of the neighborhood by planting the entire foot down at once, hard; can be heard for miles. For fun, try attracting one by mimicking its mating call: Simply obtain a couple of foot-long pieces of 2x4 or two ping-pong paddles and bang them together. Sound can also be imitated by dropping a sheet of plywood on the ground or the bed of a truck.
17) The Newly Single Guy
Begins running in an effort to start a new life after the divorce or breakup, to get himself in better shape, and meet young women. Often gets in shape, more often finds a great deal of competition for the attentions of available young women from his every other guy in the world who started running for the very same reasons. Ends up having lots of fun chasing these women with his demographic peers.
18) The Newly Single Girl
Most often easier to follow the gaze of The Newly Single Guy than attempt a fitting description of this particular type.
19) The I'll Teach You To Pass Me
Will do anything to pass you and get maybe ten or twenty paces ahead, then slows down to your exact pace, then keeps slowing down until you pass him again. Repeats for the duration. Will not acknowledge any friendly conversation. To him, this is war.
20) The I Forgot My Inhaler
For whom every missed PR is attributable to some very specific atmospheric or situational singularity.
21) The World Champion Of The Workout
Identifiable by his or her inability to do anything other than sub-6.00 miles, or whatever it takes to beat everyone else, as you near the finish of the workout. Sometimes seen chatting, guardedly, with I Forgot My Inhaler and No Points For Second Best. Not to be confused with Smells The Barn.
22) The Smells The Barn
Often quite friendly and oblivious to how he or she pushes the pace toward the end of the run. Sometimes says things like "Gosh it's windy!" without realizing that there is no wind at all, but that it can certainly feel windy when you're running at the speed of sound through unmoving air. Also doesn't realize that wind is being sucked by everyone else who until the previous mile had been yammering on like they usually do.
23) The I'll Teach You Not To Pass Me
Identifiable by noxious fumes, silly noises and a steadfast determination to pretend that nothing happened. Sometimes displays behavior similar to The Dumper.
24) The Creepy Guy
More a meta-type than a single type, as he occurs in many separately identifiable sub-types, including I Can Barely Stand How Amazing I Am, Says Really Inappropriate Things, and If You Talk To Me You'll Regret It. Rarely meets women's eyes yet always manages to meet their sports bras. Shows up more often in warmer weather for this reason. Often used to be a very competitive runner; may invite you to look up his college times.
25) The Genuinely Likes People
Invites people over for brunch, organizes social outings, doesn't grumble and bitch like so many runners love to do. Somehow isn't put off by the single-mindedness and self-absorption of other runners.
26) The I'm Freezing You Jerk Now Let's Go
Generally asked only once why he or she chooses to wear long sleeves in summer and all the clothes in the world during the winter. Sometimes difficult to understand, especially in winter, through the half-dozen layers of fabric worn over the fact. Can be very funny to watch this type try to tie her shoes between October and March.
27) The Where I'm Going, I Don't Need Tights
Will never acknowledge being cold. Important to keep the number of an ambulance handy when this type is around, because if he ever does get cold enough to admit it, you've got about two and half minutes before the coma sets in.
28) The Six Million Dollar Runner
After knowing this person for a while you learn that she somehow survived eight stress fractures, two dislocated joints, hip replacement, three car crashes, frostbite, sunstroke, dehydration bad enough to dry out her inner ear, a bike accident, and eight years of physical therapy, is ten years older than you, and is still running faster.
29) The All I Need Is One More Neoprene Thing
Easy to spot but sometimes difficult to personally identify due to the sheaths, bands, supports, and wraps covering every joint and weak point between the bottom of the ribcage and the tip of the toe.
30) The Seven Million Dollar Runner
Most easily identifiable in early morning or late night, as this type is most often preceded by a spotlight clipped to the forehead that thoroughly illuminates a half-mile-square area before the runner. This runner singlehandedly accounted for roughly $1200 in receipts during his first visit to the local running shop. Tempting to ridicule this type, but remember, if nothing else, they sustain the stores that everyone else visits only when they have a 30% off coupon.
31) The Connection
The person you keep in mind because she always carries ibuprofin, Tylenol, aspirin, a cell phone, salt tablets, a map, dog treats, extra gu, extra water, or a quarter for the phone.
32) The Galloway Gaggle
Difficult to identify individually, this type appears to travel in groups of ten thousand or more. It stops unpredictably and en masse, managing to cover an entire path, sidewalk, on-ramp, race course, soccer field, runway, or whatever else you're trying to cross, and often at the suggestion of a whistle or a beeping watch. Like the Seven Million Dollar Runner, it can be tempting to ridicule this type, but remember, if nothing else, they sustain the stores that everyone else visits only when they have a 30% off coupon.
33) The Beer Gut Hides A Sex Machine
The guy with a gut who routinely kicks your butt at local races.
34) The Elite Hottie
Professional racer that someone, often a lifetime member of The Newly Single Guy classification, claims to have met once and flirted with.
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
The Valiant Taste Death But Once
From a conversation yesterday, about the practicality of chickens as pets.
David Sclothe: But don't chickens die all the time?
Moocow: Chickens die once, David.
David Sclothe: But don't chickens die all the time?
Moocow: Chickens die once, David.
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Next Stop Absurdistan: Things Couldn't Be Better on the LIRR
A photo caption from an article in today's New York Times, "M.T.A. Gets Bill When Armrests Chew Up Pants":
"Philip Horowitz, who commutes to Grand Central Terminal from Westchester, has had pants ruined twice by armrests on Metro-North trains."
This aggrieved customer takes his place among the others who "seemed to exhibit the classic symptoms of victims of abuse: guilt mixed with anger and shame. "
If this is the biggest problem facing riders of Metro North and the LIRR, then things are really just fine. Either that or the terrorists have already won.
